To be loved
by Damn Papas
Summary: This is a collaboration piece of Kara Papas and damn unique. Mainly a ShizNat after Carnival scenario. ShizNat AU
1. The Beautiful Plateau

**Summary **After carnival scenario. This story is a collaboration of the authors Kara Papas and damn unique.

**A/N:** Hello guys, we are damn unique and Kara Papas. After seven years of writing we finally decided to take a shot at working together. We're both very busy, but gladly want to bring a great fanfiction for the Shiznat audience. May our writing and wicked minds combined with our history grow into something beautiful.

**Beta**: Ivy Rose Thorn

**Disclaimer: **Sunrise owns Mai HiME.

* * *

**To be loved**

**Chapter 1 - The Beautiful Plateau**

_Natsuki_

Doubts and regret was all that was left after Shizuru was gone. I knew I had gone wrong at some point. I just couldn't put my finger on the exact moment. Was it when I told her that I can't feel the way she wanted me to? Or was it when I never recognized just how precious feelings were? How precious she was? Either way, things didn't turn out like I wanted them to. The end of the carnival and the disappearance of my power and Duran left me with nothing. I never felt so bare and empty in my life ever before. Not even after my mother had died and my father had left me. Back then, I still had a reason to exist. I had a mission. My personal vendetta against the First District was all needed to get through the day. Every day, every night, every breath solely existed to fulfill that purpose. I didn't allow myself to think about life in all its complexity, but now that all of this was gone forever, living the life of a 19-year old girl seemed an insurmountable task. I somehow managed to get through the last year of school because of Midori's and Mai's patience allowing them to tutor me. I was used to copy Shizuru's stuff and I had never bothered with actually learning the stuff they taught at Fuuka Academy. I was preoccupied with learning what was useful for my life as a warrior, as a HiME. But I realized too late that it was only a temporary refuge. If I had just paid attention to what was important. To what was right in front of me. Maybe I could have made a difference. I could have righted my wrongs. Maybe I would have seen you the way you wanted me to. But I guessed I would never find out. Now that a year had passed, it was obvious that Shizuru would leave Fuuka to live and study at the Shinsuyu University on the east end of Japan. It wasn't something special or unexpected. It was what people did after high school. It seemed that every HiME had a life that was important to them; a life that they had to put on hold during the time of the carnival, but that they could resume when the Obsidian Lord was defeated. Every HiME but me. This battle, this carnival, was my life in a nutshell and looking back at it now, it was over in a blink of an eye. Because I hadn't paid attention to my surroundings, I was alone. I should not have cared since I was used to being alone. But the hole you left in my world was far greater than I had realized. I was never one to give up and I certainly wouldn't start now. It was just a fact that my life was so much duller without Shizuru in it. Like a painting that was lacking color. Shades of colors are all I'm able to see.

As soon as Sakomizu had handed me over my diploma this morning, I left school to evade the ceremony. I never saw myself as someone throwing an academic cap. I wanted to celebrate that small achievement with a self-cooked meal and a ride to the cliffs. Who would have thought that I would bother with something like nutrition, but hell, solitude makes your mind go strange ways.

"Kuga Natsuki?" I stopped dead in front of my apartment when a male voice called my name. For a second, I got paranoid and was about to go into a battle ready position. But then I reminded myself that the First District wasn't after me anymore. In fact, nobody was. Outside of that Kendo guy Takeda who was rather persistent with his idiotic ideas of asking me out. I let the keys in my hand sink and turned towards the voice. I felt embarrassed for a second when I recognized the guy to be the postman instead of a life threatening enemy, but I managed not to blush. At least I've gotten better at controlling the color of my cheeks. I greeted him with a nod and put the keys in the keyhole while he was fumbling in his bag.

"These are for you," he handed me a package of four or five letters, more than I usually got within a month. I looked at him with a puzzled expression but he was already busy fumbling out letters for my neighbors. I got inside my apartment and threw my bag on the couch. No more school. Ever. This might be the chance of starting a new life – or life in general. I followed my bag and let myself on the couch with a sigh. I was sure I could take on the world and the world seemed to think so too since the letters I received were all from different universities. The education system in Japan was rather well structured. The universities would advertise themselves as fast as possible and it was not a secret that today a lot of young people would decide on their course of life. I was one of them and carrying that responsibility alone made me anxious. What if I chose the wrong path? I looked at the cellphone on the table. I knew that I could call Shizuru and ask her opinion, but I didn't want to evoke the image of being needy. We have scarcely had and any contact in the last year and somehow I got the feeling that was the way she had preferred it. Still, it would have been easier to talk this over with someone. I decided that it would be best to take all entrance tests and see which university would still want me afterwards. Maybe I should have spared the one where Shizuru was studying, but something inside me wanted to challenge fate. And indeed, fate took the challenge. For some reason, the only invitation that arrived in the mail after taking the entrance test was from the Shinsuyu University.

* * *

_Shizuru_

I had spent time pondering about many different things while buried within my studies at Shinsuyu University. The Carnival showed me the embodiment of emotions that had grown in Natsuki since she had become aware of my love for her. I could not reason beyond my pain, and I only saw that Natsuki must loathe and be disgusted by me. I was wrong.

We had spent our time during the summer together just being friends. I had always hoped for more, and Natsuki could see it in my eyes. I put off leaving Fuuka just to be with her longer in hopes that she would see that friendship could blossom into the most beautiful love that life could give. Natsuki would always just smile as if it was her way of saying no, and summer came to an end; and so did hope.

Fuuka was my personal heaven with Natsuki. The heaven was also my own hell as I knew Natsuki could never go a step further than friendship. I had my escape to college to aid me in freedom from the demon Natsuki Kuga made me into. The univerisity I was going to escape was a city nestled in the Japanese Alps.

I left Fuuka wondering about how cruel and blind love can be. I felt the detatchment of my heart and realized how broken it was. The mere separation from Natsuki made me feel the power of my demon grow weaker. I found the demon was put into submission when I was at the campus of Shinsuyu University. I had a choice to make when I arrived at this university. Shinsuyu university had a wide variety of specialties for a student with my academic excellence. The departments at the university for specified fields made me feel I could escape from Natsuki. The arts and humanities was something I could become lost in with the exploration of languages, arts, fine arts, and the pseudoscience that explained who we were. Then the sciences, the hard sciences, they could make me cold and calculated. The physics to breakdown all that I understood about the universe. Biology was simple and self-explanatory, and chemistry too. I could do all of these and more. I wanted the subject material that I studied to drown my thoughts. I wanted to never have a spar second to think of Natsuki. It dawned on me that I could do whatever I deemed needed at the time, and go from one source to the next. I did not want to be the president of a student council again after my long stay living at Fuuka Academy. My college life would be different. I would commute to school. I wanted to be a student of the university, and be submerged in the studies I had created for myself. Six months into my first term at Shinsuyu University I had only really heard from Kuga Natsuki once. She had written about something obscure, and said she'd understand if I didn't respond. I could have responded, but her life needed to go on without my demonic influence.

Whilst in my studies I had learned many mottos the university had. There was one I loved the most; "A Harmony of Nature Society and Individual". The Matsumoto campus definitely made me see all the nature there was in that statement. I truly saw myself healing. I had to move on without Natsuki; I finally felt as if I was growing up. Adulthood meant leaving behind some desires. My lingering desire for Natsuki would be the most difficult to let go of. I felt the grip of love in my heart not wanting to let go. My heart whispered softly in my free time as my feet ached as I endeavored an hour and a half hike, walk, at Utsukushigahara Heights. The nature, as my favorite motto suggested, would have the power to set me at harmony with society and myself; my societal view of a woman like myself and how I was seen. I was to be married off to a wealthy business man by now, and yet I stand at the most beautiful plateau ever. The wind played with my hair and caressed my sweat kissed skin. My eyes were shut to the breeze, and my mind tormented me with the ideas of my wounded heart. My eyes must open to see the reality that my heart is blinded with.


	2. Vagabond

**A/N damn unique:** Honestly, we have no idea where this is going. We only have a very very rough story line. It basically is a stream of consciousness writing where Kara Papas covers Shizuru's part and I write Natsuki. When somebody has written something, the other one would read it and add her part. The story is basically like an interactive piece of writing for us. Oh and for the guest how wrote that pamphlet about Natsuki's character. You do realize this site is called "fanfiction"? Do I really have to point out that this is a work of fiction?

**A/N Kara Papas:** I want to share a moment of honesty for the readers of the story. I stay very busy and argue with damn unique when she reminds me to write. So give her lots of love because I'm a crabby old gal which damn unique loves to jokingly remind me ever so often.

**Beta:** Ivy Rose Thorn (at least of it^^thanks for her splendid work)

**Disclaimer**: Sunrise owns Mai HiME.

* * *

**Vagabond**

_**Natsuki**_

The pen in my hand felt heavy and the words in front of my eyes blurred under the resistance of my mind. I only had to fill out those damn papers and then there would be a huge chance of seeing Shizuru again. Yet, I wasn't sure if it was a smart thing to do. We had become strangers and something deep inside of me told me that she did prefer it that way. Thinking about my own history, I had learned that people tend to lean on other people when they're needy. I knew this because I'd been there. As long as things were going somewhat right, I had been able to survive alone, but as soon as the carnival got out of hand, I had been nothing but a sacrifice; not only to the Obsidian Lord but also to Shizuru. I didn't want to go there again. None of us wanted and I didn't have a right to force Shizuru to have contact with me if she didn't want to. It was only logical to assume she was doing better without me. Still, this was my sole chance to get into a good university and study biology - or more specifically genetics. The more I'd thought about it during the last year, the more I could picture myself looking into a microscope and finding the wonders of a world unseen by most people. At least, that was how I had lived most of my life, by being part of a world that no one knew existed.

I could not let this opportunity go to waste just because I was afraid of attending the same university as Shizuru. I would simply avoid barging into her life again. After all, a university is much bigger than a school. With a determined sigh, I pressed the pen on the paper and started to fill in the form. That simple task felt strangely exhausting and I knew I had to send it on its way as soon as possible or I would start dwelling on it again. I put on my biker suit and helmet and went for the closest post office in town.

The sun was burning mercilessly and I could feel a light sweat film spreading across my skin. Leather wasn't the best option for a warm summer day after all. The temperature of my bikes engine did the rest to my already boiling body. After I had thrown the enrollment papers into the letter box, I followed the lead of my empty stomach.

The sound of my bikes engine always seemed to disturb the silence in the peaceful suburbs of Fuuka City. It was one of many reasons why I didn't show up here as often as I could and somehow I didn't feel much regret. Rows of houses, painted in all shades of pastel colors, were standing side by side, marking the border of another world; a world I didn't belong in. I could already feel the wary gazes behind some windows. It's completely beyond me how Mai and Tate could move into this region of the city. I always knew that Mai was somewhat of a housewife even back in school, but that she'd willingly be one after finishing school was a bit of a shock. I wonder if it would have been different if they had been a bit more careful…

I parked my bike in front of their garage and took off my helmet. The air was still warm, but not as torrid as in town. The flavor of fresh baked cake mixed with the strong scent of the rosary flowerbed drove the engine oil and city smog out of my nose. My stomach reacted to it with a loud growl and urged me to the door. I rang the bell and soon heard steps coming closer. The door was flung open and the fragrance of the fresh baked cake hit me with full force. For a second, I was blown away and almost forgot to greet my old friend.

"Hello, Mai," I said, not bothering with any formalities. Against her usual enthusiasm, Mai didn't fling her arms around me, but looking at her, I knew it wasn't because she was unhappy to see me, but because she wasn't in the condition too. She had at least gained ten pounds since my last visit.

"Natsuki, it's good to see you. Come on in." She gestured me into the kitchen and went over to stand in front of the oven that harbored the delicious flavor. Her hands were firmly pressed on her hips to counter the pain in her back; the typical posture of a pregnant woman. Only that this wasn't just some pregnant woman, but Mai; a mere high-school girl. To me, the news of her pregnancy had been one of the scariest things that had ever happened, next to the carnival and Shizuru cutting all ties.

"How's that little troublemaker doing?" I asked.

"Yuichi is still at work," she said and winked at me. I couldn't help but grin in response. "And this one here," she continued and started stroke over her voluminous belly with a content smile on her lips, "Is doing just fine; kicking and punching me all day."

"I suppose, he's got your spirit," I said.

"Why are you so sure that he's a he?"

"Just a feeling." I leaned against the kitchen table with crossed arms. "Have you and Tate decided on a name?"

"If it's a girl, I'd like to name her after my mother." Mai swallowed hard and let her gaze wander towards the window. "And if it's a boy… we want to name him Takumi." That solemn look in her eyes was something she seldom showed in front of anyone, and it reminded me how much she valued our friendship. It had never been full of words or emotion, but we always had that way of silently understanding concerning each other's feelings. Ever since Takumi hadn't woken up from his heart surgery, something in Mai had changed. Her smiles that people associated her with, had become something rare. She didn't talk about it much, but she had a hard time dealing with what life had served her. In a way, we both had become more similar during the last year. Maybe that was one of the reasons why I refrained from visiting her more often. After all, it's unpleasant to look into a mirror for too long when you don't like what you see. And who knew better than me than to fight change with silence.

The beeping of the oven broke the quietness and reminded me that I was still starving. Mai seemed to read my thoughts and put plates on the table after turning off the oven.

"I'm afraid I have to keep you here a little longer since the cake is too hot to be eaten right away."

"Don't make it sound like an apology. I know you're not that unhappy about it."

"No, but you are." Her voice was steady and not in the slightest way reproachful, but we both knew that I was the reason we didn't see each other as often as she would like to.

"It's not your fault, Mai. I'm just not good with this whole socializing crap."

She nodded and forced a smile, which was even more painful than having her be mad at me. "What brought you here today, besides your empty stomach?" she asked, trying to change the topic. However, the change was not as welcome as I had hoped as my reason for coming was another sad note.

"I'm going to leave Fuuka," I answered calmly, in the hopes to make it sound like less of a big deal, but of course Mai got the message behind it.

"Oh…"

"I'm going to attend a university."

"So you came to say goodbye," she concluded.

"In a way, but knowing you, I'm sure I won't get away with it."

"Of course not. We'll at least have on last big party with everyone before you'll turn your back on us." She tried to sound joyful, but there was a hint of sorrow visible in her eyes. However, I was certain that she meant what she said about the party. But I guess I owe that party to her and the others.

"I won't turn my back on you. You won't even know that I'm gone. I'll still come to visit now and then. Just like during the last year." Even though, I knew I wasn't good at keeping promises that concerned social activities, I silently vowed to myself to at least try.

"That might be right. It won't be much of a difference." She smiled. "Who would have thought that you of all people would willingly attend college?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I flipped back a strand of my hair and turned my head away slightly pouting.

"You were the biggest slacker of Fuuka Academy as far as I remember."

"I'm not certain if Nao didn't break that record by now."

"Could actually be true." We both laughed. "What subject have you applied for?"

"Genetics," I answered and Mai gave me an incredulous look.

"Interesting… or not so much. Anyway, if it's what you want to do, I'm happy for you."

"I hope my mother has bequeathed me some of her intelligence and knowledge in that field and if not, I should be able to research the reason." I winked.

"How far away is it?"

I gulped. Somehow the words felt like a lump in my throat. But I knew there was no way around it. I'd have to tell her anyway. "Shinsuyu University." A bitter smile formed on my lips. I didn't have to mention anything about Shizuru. I could see in Mai's eyes that she knew the name of the university quite well. "Not as far away from everything as I have wished," I added a bit beaten.

"Maybe it's because you subconsciously have wished for something else, something you don't want to admit." I could feel her searching my eyes for the truth that we both knew already and so I averted my gaze and looked out the window again. The sky slowly started to fade from a bright blue into a light orange, the first sign of the nearing dusk. The street outside got busier as the first men came back from work. On this side of town, the traditional image of a family was still written in stone. I could imagine that Mai and Tate chose this house not only because it's property of Tate's family, but also because a lot of young families had settled down. The whole happy family atmosphere around here gave me the creeps. I couldn't imagine living like that ever. Truth be spoken, I can't imagine my future self in the slightest. I sighed and decided to break the silence.

"Anyway, I don't believe in fate or anything like that. It was the only university that wanted me and I have answered their call," I said, feeling ready to face Mai again. She immediately caught my gaze and stared at me intensely.

"You should start to believe in it though. I mean it's a very strange coincidence that the only university that accepted your papers is the one that Fujino-san is attending. Maybe this is your chance to make it right?"

"Make what right?"

"Natsuki, I've known you long enough. There are a lot of things between the two of you that need to be said. I can't speak for Fujino-san, but judging by the carnival, she's just as torn as you. You two need to talk. And this is destiny giving you a chance."

"You watch too many films."

"And you too few."

The sound of keys in the door lock luckily puts an end to our little dispute.

"Hello, darling. I'm home," Tate shouted from the house floor.

"We're in the kitchen."

When Tate came into the kitchen he greeted me with a smile and a nod and then turned to Mai for a kiss. He was lightly touching her belly as if she was mad of glass. Then he got on his knees and held his ear on the belly.

"Hello little one, how are you feeling today?" He whispered.

I felt a little awkward watching his adoration. Why would he try talking to someone who wouldn't be able to understand his words for the next years? Kids are already horrible to talk to since they never listen, but Babies don't even understand a word. I was no good at this lovey-dovey family stuff… Still, I was glad that Mai was and Tate seemed just as content. I had no doubt that they would make it through the end of the world together once again if necessary. They both looked so much older in that position and the need to flee this scene rose to an unbearable level even though my stomach was still growling. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them; I just couldn't deal with so much love and adoration at the time. I was filled up with worries about what lied ahead. The only thing I knew for sure after coming here was that this wasn't the way I had imagined my future life.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you two, but I have to go now."

"I thought you'd stay for dinner."

"I have things to take care of." Giving that answer had become second nature to me and Mai knew that my decision to leave before dinner was final. She nodded and came over to give me a hug. Her belly was touching mine and I could feel a slight movement. I thought about shrugging back, but stood still and hugged her in return. Babies might be not my piece of cake, but I was sure that Mai's life would brighten in the near future. Maybe I would be able to find something that would brighten mine too. I just didn't know where to look for that something back then.

On my way home, I picked up some instant ramen and ate them in the setting sun on the cliffs of Fuuka, thinking about Shizuru.

I guess some things will never change.

* * *

**Stormy Weather**

_**Shizuru**_

The sound of the morning wind howled outside of my loft, and my cell phone's alarm squawked eagerly to wake me. The silence crept into my mind after I turned off my alarm. I walked to the window of my loft gently pulling the blinds apart so I could look to the skyline. It was blanketed in hues of black, grey, and white. The storm that was headed my way appeared to be subtle, but I had no way of knowing. I honestly didn't trust my applications on my phone because they had the chance of being wrong. It was Natsuki that told me that those applications had generalized information.

I backed away from my window sighing about the weather, and how I could not shake my constant recall to Natsuki. I had developed a morning routine to forget her. However, my first thoughts of this morning showed me even with or without my morning routine Natsuki was burned into my mind. My routine was already started with being outside of my bed. I sauntered over to my shower letting the bathroom fill with steam. I thought to myself once in the shower how ritualistic my mornings had become since moving to college. While in the shower I could not help, but run my fingertips across the spot where my HiME mark had been. The memories attached to that spot always waited for me when I reached the shower part of my routine. Once I stepped out of the warm water I proceeded to dry my hair, and never once looked at myself in the steamy reflection of the mirror. My morning routine came closer to the end as I walked through my loft grabbing each necessary item for school. As I reached the door to my loft I smiled thinking that today would be great. Today started a new term at school.

The morning sky hue made me think of painting the moods of God. I had actually said that thought once before at the cliff side after a motorcycle ride with Natsuki. I looked down at my feet realizing that I had stopped walking all together fighting that memory from destroying my morning resolve. I clenched my fist as my heart beat thudded in a syncopated rhythm. I had to keep moving. I stopped worrying as my legs started to move. I had a debate course of some type this semester. I eagerly enjoyed the idea of verbal jousting. The classroom was in the section of the university that was once a part of the former high school. I found my way to the building down a pathway which took me to a garden in the middle of a square framed by four benches. The hedges formed a circle surrounding a statue and had another almost square-like hedge. If someone were to take a bird's eye look at the hedges it would appear as if the square shape hedge top hedge was cupped to hold the circle above it. I paused by the old fashioned lamp post turning back to look at the garden again realizing that there was a boy sitting on one of the benches in the shade. His hair was black like Natsuki's and his eyes had have been just as emerald. I had to catch my breath as I felt I was deeply attracted to him. His eyes met mine and his face grew red very slowly.

He quickly looked down at something. As I watched him, confusion began to sink in for me as the boy clumsily gathered his school items into a shoulder strapped messenger bag. I thought about Natsuki because of his appearance and haste in gather his items. I wondered if she would ever use a shoulder strap messenger style bag for school.

"Hey...," a soft masculine voice called out to me. I was slightly daunted by the voice shaking me from daydreaming. My eyes locked onto the most beautiful emerald ones.

"Classes start in this building in about a minute. What class do you have?" His voice was sweet for a man's voice, and almost the same of Natsuki's husky tone.

"Oh my, how silly of me to get lost in thought, I believe the course is listed as debate," I said showing my daze as I felt one his hand gently grasp my right arm and lead me into the building.

"Lucky for me, you and I can share that course together...," he said as we entered a hallway. "And this class is the first one on the left!"

"I'm so lucky to be escorted by such a handsome and beautiful man," I teased making the young man glow red right as we walked to the open door way.

"Hey, get her tiger!" A very loud young man yelled at us causing the class to shoot cat calls in our direction. However the beautiful young man by me just huffed at the noise, and he was still holding onto my arm almost like a defensive grasp that a child has with a parent's hand. He walked into the classroom bringing me with him ignoring our classmates jeering calls. He looked around and then went towards the nearest open desks. I could not help but be taken in by his actions and hidden playfulness.

"I'll protect you my princess," he whispered smiling at me as pulled out a chair for and then sat down after I had. I looked up to the door and saw an older man walk in with nothing, but a coffee mug. He looked at every one in the class, but his eyes seemed to rest on me and my new found companion. He quickly looked back around the room electing a giggle or two from some of the other girls in the classroom.

"Excuse my bad manners, but I'd like to state something and then ask a question before I introduce myself. I watched as the last two students walked into the classroom. I could not help, but enjoy the events of life unfolding in front of me. This gorgeous young woman complimented the young man, and he gets mocked for his reaction. Why mock him?"

I rather enjoyed the question and observation from the gentleman. I looked to others in the classroom seeing no one responding. They all were even more silent than before and some looked as if they just got scolded. The older man laughed.

"My name is Dr. Tetsuya. I have a doctorate in philosophy, human behavior, and physics. The university had this class setup this year and they had no one to teach it. My grading scale is going to primarily based off the taking part in debates and the rest on attendance. Now I want an open forum to go on in class. The topic selection will be delegated by me, but I want you all to come up with the topic choice. Please do not be shy when openly talking over topic discussions," He said in a very professorial tone. "Now do I have anyone interested in trying at the question?"

"Perhaps mocking was a defense because they do not have the courage to stand their ground," a girl offered as a suggestion.

"Compliments and reactions like that... Well mainly reactions like that are funny. The mocking may not have been mocking from those who did it," someone else offered.

I heard someone fake a coughing fit to draw attention. The young man had a very smug look on his face, and to draw more attention his way he slapped his hands on the desk.

"Of course I mocked him because I grew up with this guy. He's gay." He looked over to us winking. "Isn't that right, Tsubasa? He does not have any way to react to that comment because he is gay," he said arrogantly as if he won a special prize. My heart beat shallow as I thought how the young beautiful man by me must feel, but I realized as I looked to him that his feelings were quite mixed. He shook his head mumbling something to himself.

"Young man," the professor said in the direction of the smug young man. "I do appreciate the open forum style, but you are heading in a dangerous direction. Sexuality is a delicate topic,"

"It's a slice of reality for the debate class," the smug boy argued.

"I could always send you before a disciplinary board." The professor almost growled.

"Dr. Tatsuya, it's okay. He is just being a jerk;" The boy named Tsubasa said bluntly. The professor nodded looking to me. I felt the words in me thrashing until they finally burst out.

"What happens when happiness is destroyed in your pursuit of love? All of this driven from a compliment hinting at an underlying sign, a mutual attraction. The crushing weight love creates when it is rejected by the intended recipient." I felt my voice get colder. The teacher peered at me for second before turning to the class and dismissing it a few minutes early.

I sat quietly knowing my other classes that would typically be starting with this class would be delayed for a week. I heard the room grow quiet, and suddenly I heard the sound of someone inhale before speaking. I turned my head and with a defensive gaze hoping to burn down whoever came to my attention. My valiant gaze was broken down in an instant when my eyes were met by emerald green eyes. I could not have my eyes be like to those eyes.

"My name is Tsubasa Yamamoto." His voice sounded slightly scared, and shame settled in my heart. He stood in the door way waiting for my response.

"Shizuru Fujino," I said in a soft tone as if to apologize for my glare. His face lit up and those eyes sparkled. Natsuki had not left me at all. She was now in everything I saw, every memory, and now she was embodied in the form of Tsubasa Yamamoto.

* * *

**A/N:** As always, reviews are very welcome.


	3. Regrets

**A/N Kara Papas: **Okay everyone, I do hope you enjoy. I've tried hard to make sure that I proof read my chapters many times over. I never proof read my author notes. I like them to sound like how I speak. Random and nonsense filled.

**A/N damn unique: **Yes, it takes a while to produce a chapter, but we're still on it. Yay :) I know we also need to reply to some reviews, which would be a lot easier if you'd sign in instead of leaving guest reviews and if the review says more than just "more please". Anyhow, enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Mai HiME is property of Sunrise.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Regrets**

_**Natsuki**_

I'd never been to the south, but the moment I drove out of the Nishida-Tunnel and hit the mountain road to Shinsuyu I regretted every single time I had turned down Shizuru's invitation to visit her home. Kyoto was still more than fifty miles away, but I was sure the landscape would only become more beautiful the farer I got. Maybe it was because I brought more distance between my past and me or maybe it was because I got closer to Shizuru. Either way, I felt as if I could breathe easy for the first time in months.

The road was stamped into the mountain like a winding snake and I could feel the engine of my bike heat up with every mile. I could already make out the contours of the city. The campus was located slightly outside of town, which meant in a mountain region: higher. I stopped in a parking bay on the side of road to give my bike a chance to cool down before taking on the last miles. A map with some information about the country and the mountain range stood solely in front of a rail. It surely had seen better days, but I guessed it was still accurate. Things didn't seem to move fast out there, which felt like a relief of some sort. I put my finger on my current position on the map and ran it along the road until my destination: the Matsumoto Campus - my new home. I wasn't happy about sharing my privacy with a roommate, but that was how things worked. Of course, I only gave in to the offer from the University of rooming with another student because my father had decided to cut the monthly amount of money. 'Once you turn eighteen and finish school, you're on your own,' or something like that he had said. Luckily, I had put some money aside over the years, but it couldn't hurt to look for a part time job, once I'd immersed myself in university life. Money has a habit of not lasting long – just like relationships.

The moment the city emerged in front of me, I felt subtle anxiety creeping up my back. Once I'd entered the campus there'd be no way back. When I was filling out the papers, I was sure it would be a piece of cake to avoid Shizuru, but back then everything was still far away. From up close, it looks a lot smaller and hence a lot more threating in terms of stumbling into a familiar face. Though, even if we would meet by accident, there'd still be the opportunity to ignore each other. We had been strangers before. If strangers could become lovers, it should work the other way around. Hopefully, this would apply even without being lovers first…

On a sudden impulse I avoided the direct way into the city and followed the winding up street to the top of the mountain. I'd seen an observation platform on the map earlier and now decided to give it a spontaneous visit. I should've known better than to run away from monsters, but fear is what you make it. And Orphans or the First District never seemed as scary as facing my inner demons. Shortly before the peak, I made a silent promise to become the best person I was able to. To become someone who people like to befriend with and to become an even better scientist than my mom. But I was scared that I was only cheating myself. Deep down, I knew that not the study alone brought me here and how to be a better person if my first promise here was built on a lie?

I hit the break and pulled off the helmet. The sign on my right read: Utsukushigahara Heights. The observation platform lay direct in front of me and I sprinted to up the staircase as if the devil himself was after me. As I climbed the last stair the wind slapped me in the face like it wanted to shake the nagging thoughts away. I walked to the edge of the platform and watched the wide green land beyond me. I could see the Matsumoto Campus. I knew she is there and I knew I'd find her; intentionally or not. If anything, we were destined to meet. And one thing I had to learn the hard way was: you can't change your destiny.

* * *

_**Shizuru**_

Two hours had passed since my first class ended, and I had one more week at least for my other classes to start unless notified otherwise. My heart buzzed with a new found delight as my prince sat across from me in my loft. Tsubasa's raven colored hair was damp from the stormy weather the morning had brought. His clothes reminded me of a steampunk styled anime character dashed with modern fashion. I found myself so at ease with his presence, but those emerald eyes stabbed at my soul.

"Shizuru," Tsubasa said softly to grab my attention. "I love your loft. It's so unique and clean. You must keep busy."

"Thank you." I said in my unique fashion. "I do try to keep busy."

"Idle thoughts, huh?" Tsubasa responded earning a nod and sigh from me.

"So, Tsubasa, tell me about yourself. Whatever you want. I'd like to know more about you." I said keeping myself busy again.

"Only if you promise to do the same my princess." Tsubasa responded in a very masculine tone drawing a warmth to my face.

"Well, well my prince, if you ask I shall." I playfully teased back as we both laughed lightly.

"Where to start..." Tsubasa leaned back on the sofa letting his neck crane over the back of the sofa as he stared at the ceiling. "I grew up here in Matsumoto. I was very quiet as a child, but that slowly changed as I got older. Hm, oh thanks to Botan, you know I'm gay. However, I mean who doesn't?" Tsubasa laughed. I felt that his laugh was half mirthful and half pained. His gaze stayed averted from mine as he took in a deep breath.

"You know, in a culture like ours it is difficult to be 'gay'. The culture with one foot in the past to remember our traditions and the other in the future to make progress. The philosophy is a bunch of bullshit. The motto or saying should be waist deep in tradition and twiddling our thumbs towards progress. Homosexuality is perceived as unnatural, disgusting, and implicates something profoundly evil. It is none of those things! Love knows no gender. Love is blind. Love is a miracle in itself." Tsubasa finished his heart filled speech with a strong stomp on the floor with his right foot.

My expression became solemn as his words spoke to that broken part of my heart. Love has another side too. Love can be evil. Love is painful if you hide it. It can contort and fester into obsession laced with desire. Unrequited love like mine was like that. I had an innocent love which I perverted. I knew those words Tsubasa spoke all too well.

"Tsubasa..." I almost whispered feeling the masked pain in my voice. Tsubasa facial expression almost matched my internal one. We both had a secret unrequited love that perhaps was not so secret after all. I stood up and walked over to sit next to Tsubasa. Once I sat down I felt his arm go around me. I did not fight his invitation for comfort. It had been far too long since I had been in the arms of an emerald eyed beauty. "I know how you feel. I really do."

My tone was shaky and I felt my control over my emotion begin to wane. I felt if Tsubasa was not cradling my body I would be shaking too. I had to deflect the conversation for both of us. The emotional natural of Tsubasa's outburst could not be good for us. The thoughts and memories of Natsuki were threatening to break through.

"So, are you a sophomore at Shinshu University?"

Tsubasa smiled at me and gave me a squeeze with his arm. "I'm actually a freshman, and I stay at the dorms."

"Oh that sounds exciting." I teased remembering boarding at Fuka Academy.

"No!" Tsubasa playfully cried. "The school screwed up and placed me in a girl's dorm. They won't be able to do anything about it because all the dorms have been filled. I was okay with it at first because the girl who was supposed to dorm with me never showed on dorm day." Tsubasa sighed. "I got a message from the main office today saying my roommate will be arriving later on today."

I could not help, but laugh at Tsubasa earning a playful shove onto the sofa. The odds were not in his favor. The poor boy was given an unisex name, and more times than not Tsubasa was generally given to girls. I looked over to a very silent Tsubasa who gave me an expression of help me.

"Okay, here is my number." I sat up grabbing a pen from my coffee table and a piece of paper. Tsubasa bounced up and down by me reminding me of Mikoto Minagi. "You text me when she gets there. I will let her know she is not to harm my precious prince."

I could feel my life coming into order. Natsuki wouldn't hold me down any longer.

* * *

_**Natsuki**_

The Matsumoto Campus wasn't half as huge as I had hoped it to be. But given my luck, the whole world wouldn't have been big enough to avoid running into that person I should stay away from. I was born with this incredible ability to cross the ways of people that changed my life in unpleasant ways. Starting with my mother working for the First District, my talent manifested in being at the wrong places at the wrong time. John Smith was another encounter I would have rather avoided. Sometimes, the truth is just too much to take. Dreams, lies, make-beliefs; all of these make life so much easier. Yet, I've never been much of a dreamer. Maybe I was being pessimistic at that time. After all, there were also friends like Mai who would still have risked her life for the sake of her friends, me included. But then there was also Shizuru, who would slip into my life so delicately and leave it so devastatingly. It was funny that I appeared to be only worrying about myself and focusing on myself when in reality I was always focusing on another person; first my mother and then Shizuru. Reality hits you hard when you're forced to concentrate on yourself and reflect upon yourself for the first time. In my new scenario, I was the one I had to fight and that seemed like a whole lot of work. The first thing would be finding the students office and getting assigned to my room.

After I found my bike a nice little parking spot next to some other motorcycles, I realized that university is definitely better than school. At least I wouldn't get scolded or being stared at just for driving a bike. Things like that were normal. I took in the solid, red painted academic buildings and the roaming students, imagining being one of them, but somehow I couldn't picture myself chatting and snickering about the mysteries of philosophy. Well, not everything was different from school. There was still a huge chance of being an outsider. If I wanted to change something about my life, I should start with socializing. Easier said than done, though. Maybe biology was different. Looking through microscopes and staring at petri plates needed silence, or so I had hoped.

"Can I help you?"

"What?" A tall boy with dyed blond hair built up in front of me. Japanese and blond did never go well for me.

"You look a bit lost."

I fight down the first impulse to tell him the difference about his business and mine and then answer as politely as possible.

"I was looking for the students office."

"Ahh, you're a freshman. That's cute. I'm Satoru."

"Natsuki."

"Pleased to meet you."

I nod and look over his shoulder in search for anything but this annoying smile of him.

"The students office is right behind you by the way." I give him an annoyed look. At least that spares me the question if he should walk me to it. "Let's have tea some time." Men…

"I'm no tea drinker. Thanks for the help though." That was as nice as I could get at that time, or at any time. I turned around and headed straight for the office, already forgetting his name. After standing in row for what felt like a day, I was told that I was at the east dormitory of campus. I didn't care much where I would sleep as long as my roommate wasn't being a complete asshole, but then I could always play the cold shoulder card.

As I stood in front of my assigned room, I suddenly felt a bit afraid what would await me inside. I didn't know what I dreaded more, an annoying bitch like Nao or a caring mother like Mai. The more I thought about it, the more I had to accept that probably I was the complicated one in that scenario. I should at least give the girl a chance before pigeonholing her. I decided to knock before letting myself in but there was no answer. I took out the key and the click in the keyhole confirmed me again in being alone. I couldn't help but being relieved to take in my new surroundings on my own at first. I pushed the door open with my foot and heaved in my bag that I had sent to the students office a week ago. The room was not as tiny as I had feared but also not as big as my apartment at home. The best thing was definitely the two beds standing as far across from each other as possible. The one on the right under the window appeared to be mine as the other one was already made. I let myself fall flat on my back on it and deeply breathed out. I stretched my head out at the ceiling and watched little dust particles glitter in the afternoon sun that fell in through the window. Life could be good - occasionally. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the breathing space a bit longer until I heard footsteps nearing the door. When the key clicked in the door I jumped into an upright position to greet my new roommate as politely as possible. First impression is everything they say.

The door swung open and in stepped a tall, thin and long-haired… BOY!

"Hey there, this might seem awkward," he paused and gave me a shy smile, followed by a blush. But I'm your roommate."

I couldn't stop staring at him. His hair was just about the same color as mine and so were his eyes. He walked over and held out his hand.

"I'm Tsubasa Yamamoto."

"Natsuki. Natsuki Kuga. I didn't know these were mixed dorms." I knew the moment I said that this wasn't the best introduction but this situation caught me completely off-guard.

"It ain't. There was a terrible misunderstanding in the student's office. I'm still trying to get it fixed though, but they're swamped with work because of the freshmen."

"I see."

The guy stood there just as confused and an awkward silence fell upon the room.

A light knock on the door let us both sigh in relief and ended the embarrassing situation. As he stumbled over to open, I couldn't help but being reminded of Takeda that clumsy idiot. Somehow this Tsubasa reminded me of him, which wasn't the best start for our roommate arrangement.

"Thank god, you're here. She isn't the most talkative person." Although the guy was whispering, I could understand every word of it. First impressions aren't one of my strengths it seems.

"Ara, maybe you're just being rude. Let's see what I can do to help you."

The moment I heard that distinctive voice I blanked out. All sounds vanished and only her voice remained. This had to be a cruel joke. But the second she stepped into the room and our eyes met I knew that I wasn't imagining things. I didn't know if either god or devil wanted us that desperately to meet again, or if it was just the gruesomeness of coincidence. At this moment though, I couldn't care less what was responsible. I only knew that I felt like running, however, my body wouldn't move.

"Nat…suki."

Her voice was just a soft whisper and yet hit me like a raging storm. I could feel all the contained feelings brewing inside of me at once. She was just as beautiful as ever; the milky hue of her perfect skin, the long silky chestnut hair and those mesmerizing eyes. The longer I stared into those crimson orbs, the more I hated her for leaving me like that.

"You know each other," the boy tossed in, obviously not getting the seriousness of the situation.

"Knew," I stated with a hard voice, totally meaning it.

"That's awesome! Then you can switch places with me and I have one more reason to apply for a room in the boys' dormitory. We all would benefit from it, right my princess?"

"First of all, what's with that princess bullshit, and second, I doubt that anyone but you would benefit. I'll go to the students office right away and have them give me another room." I stared that weird guy down one more time. "Or roommate." I stomped towards door, forgetting that Shizuru was still standing in the doorframe. A second later I found myself standing in front of her with balled hands. I was never one to contain my feelings or have control over my emotions and I knew she could see right through me if I'd dared to look into her eyes again. So, I just pushed her out of the way without lifting my head. The moment my hand touched her chest I could feel her breathing stop and her heart hammering rapidly against my palm. It flooded through me like electricity and as the jolt hit my chest, I could feel my heart answer just as heavily. I knew I had to keep on moving or I'd stay there forever.

I slammed the door shut, gulping down the knot in my throat.

* * *

**A/N:** Reviews are very welcome.


	4. Tension

**A/N(Kara Papas):** Okay so there is overlap from the last chapter, but I felt it was needed. As always I checked with damn unique before doing anything. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

**A/N(damn unique): **We're actually working closer together on situations and dialogues, which helps developing ideas for the story. Reviews could still be more, but well, who keeps on counting anyways.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Tension**

_**Shizuru**_

I rested my hand on Tsubasa's shoulder after I teased him about being rude. The art form of talking to women was something Tsubasa could not manage. I smiled seeing Tsubasa relax at my assistance. I could talk to this girl and make her listen to reason. The door masked my entrance as walked in. As I stood in the clearing of the doorway all that I had been running from stood in the center of the room. The world had reversed below me, my hearing cupped, and fate had thrust a dagger into my heart. What had I done to be placed before this bewitching beauty again? My Mind began playing a paradoxical twist with me as my eyes locked onto the emerald orbs peering back. I did not feel if could sense anything, but the air began to weigh on me. It flowed into my lungs like suffocating water. The clothes on my body felt absent, but constricting.

A hushed breath exited from my mouth as I stopped, and her name broke from my lips.

"Nat...suki"

I searched those emerald pools as we stood in that short still silence. I was not accustomed to be on the end of one of Natsuki's infamous glares. I had seen them all for the First District. The hatred she showed in those eyes then was not the same hatred I saw now. Tsubasa walked in by me breaking that small silence. I heard the words coming from him, but the initial shock would not let go. I was trapped in a waking nightmare. My chest rose and fell with each passing second. Natsuki's eyes met with Tsubasa's after his statement.

"Knew..."

The word shot me. My nightmare deepened as my world began to decay further. Tsubasa spoke again making me look directly at him. It was obvious to me that he was absolutely oblivious to the tension. The words 'my princess' rolled off of his tongue as he finished his statement. Tsubasa smiled a cocky grin only earning him a defiant response. Tsubasa took a step back as Natsuki glared him down. My resolve in that moment began to completely unravel. It could not be happening this way. Natsuki started moving, but she was not looking at me. I was a ghost to her. Nothing. Again, I thought, none of this could be real until Natsuki's hand landed on my chest. She was real, and with a thunderous clap of the door she was gone.

My right hand traced over where Natsuki's hand landed as my breathing returned and became heavy. The seconds I stood there I heard Tsubasa's feet shift, and in an arrogant tone he spoke.

"What a drama queen."

"Tsubasa... stop." My voice was hard. My red eyes slowly looked at his emerald ones.

"I...," he uttered.

"Stop. I have to go." I said as I whirled around grabbing the doorknob to leave. Tsubasa was right about one thing. Maybe, just maybe... Natsuki and I could live together. It was a shot in the dark. I was running on something and I wasn't sure if it was adrenaline or not. I had opened the door and ran down the hall leading to the RA's desk by the main entrance of the dormitory. The RA walked out from behind his post waving his hands cautiously at me.

"Hey! Slow down. What's the rush beautiful?" He smiled.

I glared at him ever so slightly as I slowed to full stop.

"A beautiful emerald eyed girl..." I caught my breath. "Did she just leave?" I asked. I demanded in my heart to know. His brow furrowed in confusion as he pointed to the main doors.

I opened the door expecting all of today's evil plights sent by the Fates would be lost. The door swung open. I looked at the benches just outside of the entrance, and she was there. Natsuki was slouched forward sitting with her elbows resting on her knees. Her hands clasped together pointed downward. The door swung shut behind me as if to announce my intrusion. Natsuki's raven-colored hair that hid her face shifted once again, locking our eyes together.

"Shizuru..." The way she said my name sent shivers down my spine as she came to full stand.

"Natsuki…" I breathed hard. "Stay with me..."

* * *

_**Natsuki**_

As much as I clenched my fists my body wouldn't stop shaking. There was a roaring deep inside of me that I could neither control nor decipher. Was it anger? Was it fear? I couldn't put my finger on the emotion that swamped my body and mind after being confronted with everything I had suppressed for the last months. Going there and thinking I could simply move on with my life was the biggest lie and mistake I had made; next to blaming Shizuru for the things that happened during the Carnival and hence driving her away. Maybe deep down I knew I went there to reconcile, but little did I know how not ready I was for this. Being in the same room, breathing the same air, even looking at her made me more terrified than dying – and I knew how that feels, I had been there. Things just didn't want to go smoothly in my life. Part of it was maybe my fault for having made some wrong decision, but the rest was fate gambling with my life and getting a good laugh out of it. How much coincidence could there have been in being the only female paired up in a room with a guy whose Shizuru's… I had no idea what he was to Shizuru, but guessed that calling her 'princess' did mean something.

The campus wasn't crowded anymore and it was maybe a good time to go to the student office and take care of the mess. But when I felt strong enough to stand up again, gravity pulled me back down in form of a familiar voice calling my name. Out of reflex I answered and voiced hers though my eyes were glued to a small black stone next to my feet - anything that kept me from looking at her.

"Stay with me," she said in a pleading, broken tone. Something I hadn't heard from her in a long time. It didn't fail to affect me. My heart sped up again, hammering in a painful mixture of agony and yearning. I let out a long hold breath and managed to tear my eyes away from the ground.

"I don't think it's a good idea," I say in my usual grumpy tone.

"Why did you come here then?" I knew she would be able to read my mind, but I had silently hoped I wasn't that obvious.

"It was the only university that wanted me." At least that wasn't a complete lie. She didn't move and kept her distance, but her eyes never left me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because we haven't talked to each other in ages. I didn't even know for sure that you'd still be here, let alone barging in my room on the first day." I knew I was being melodramatic and unfair but I felt as if I had lost control over my words. Being honest and direct wasn't the best thing when it came to emotions. I should have gone for a ride, maybe it would have helped to calm the waves before lashing out at Shizuru.

"I have an extra room in my flat." The response came so unexpected that my jaw dropped.

"You're kidding me."

"I'll hardly be there. I have plenty of classes to keep me busy. You'd never have to see me. Just think this over. I know how boarding at schools work. It really could take forever," Shizuru said in an anxiety drenched tone. I didn't know if she did this because she wanted it or because she felt bad about what had happened between us. The only thing I knew was that as much as I wanted to deny it, my heart said something else. Maybe this could work out. At least I would feel much more comfortable around someone I know than living with a _male_ stranger. And maybe she was right, with all the studying we might really don't see each other much.

"How much?" I asked. Shizuru gave me surprised look, but it's not that I could have freely chosen anything since that lame excuse of a father cut me off.

"You don't have to pay anything. My parents take care of the rent."

"I won't live there on your costs or your parents' or whatever. I'm either gonna pay my share or I'll wait for getting assigned to another room here."

"I see," Shizuru said and tipped with her index finger against her chin – her favorite thinking position. "Why don't we make a deal then?" I gave her a scrutinizing look. "You officially stay in the room with Tsubasa and pay your share to the university. This way Tsubasa can have the room to himself while you live with me."

I let her words sink in for a moment, but decided that it was the best alternative. "Deal, although I don't get what's in there for you."

"Isn't the fact that I'm helping two friends out good enough as a reason?"

"Why don't you ask that Tsubasa-guy to live with you? You two seem to be close…"

"Now, that would really be inappropriate, don't think? Besides, I think you could benefit from my experience."

"For whatever that means," I said with a raised eyebrow.

"Does Natsuki have kinky thoughts?" A mischievous smile danced on her lips

"I…" I felt my cheeks heat up as stuttered on, "It's rather the other way around... whatever."

"I meant in terms of being new to university."

"Right, I meant that too." I coughed. What was I thinking! Geez.

"I could show you your new home right away, if you're free? I suppose you brought your bike with you?" I nodded. "We can take care of your luggage later. Plus, I've missed riding with you."

Another blush was crawling up my head and I tried to gulp it down. Sadly, to no avail.

"Actually, there are a lot of things I've missed…"

My mouth felt too dry to form a response and maybe it was for the better. I would have lied if I said I didn't feel the same but I didn't want to make myself that vulnerable again. Not yet.

* * *

_**Shizuru**_

I felt something inside move in my heart. Perhaps it was the part that remained broken when I left Fuuka. The sensation was not painful and I had no way of knowing how it would move me. The brightness I once had, began to shine again. The guilt I felt for my parting with Natsuki had weighted so heavily on me. I thought I would never have the strength to face let alone tease Natsuki as I had moments ago. Perhaps I was not the terrible demon the Obsidian Lord made me into during the Carnival.

"Take me to your bike," I said confidently and playfully. I was reunited with Natsuki and that made me truly happy despite the pain in my heart. Natsuki's face flushed red again making wonder what was going on inside her innocent mind. Natsuki walked forward taking my left hand to bring me through the parking lot to her motorcycle. I felt a slight blush creep onto my face with such a bold action. I thought to myself that Natsuki used to do this when she had little words to say to me when we spent time together in high school.

"Why are you walking so slow?" Natsuki grumbled.

"I must be tired." I knew I was telling her a slight lie, but I did not want her to notice the blush fading from my face. The memory of Natsuki telling me she did not feel the same way echoed in my mind.

"Why would you be tired? I recall you had tons of energy back in high school," Natsuki said as we stopped at her bike. I smirked at her response. High school and energy; it was all an act. I was very exhausted. I tapped my right index finger against my lips thinking of what to say.

"If Natsuki is so concerned I will tell you. I walk to and from school most days." I smiled softly. "I'd say that is a pretty good reason to be tired."

"Figures you'd be that proactive," Natsuki said to me in a matter of fact tone as she handed me her helmet. "Where to?"

I grabbed the helmet from her without taking my eyes away from her. As Natsuki got onto bike I thought even though it was a helmet it was hers therefore it was precious. She was pulling her hair back, exposing her ivory skin.

"Hey, stop zoning out." Natsuki grumbled again.

"Yes. I apologize. If you go out the main road leading to the campus, go down five blocks, and at the end of the fifth block take a right. Go down that road until you see a cluster of cherry trees on the left. Turn there."

Natsuki nodded as I joined her on the bike after placing the helmet on. The engine revved the mechanical beast into life. Natsuki hit the kickstand to the bike and suddenly the ground below us began to speed away. My arms were already around Natsuki's waist, but as the bike moved I instinctively wrapped them tighter. The wind howled by me as we traveled down the main road. My heart raced faster. Natsuki had always made me feel safe when we rode together, this time was no different. Going to the loft like this remind me of that. I relaxed my grip letting my hands cross at the center of Natsuki's stomach. I felt guilty as my mind wandered to lust at the sensation of being able to be this physically close to her again. Was I taking advantage of this moment? Perhaps I was.

I had wanted to lay my head against the nape of Natsuki's neck, but that was impossible with the helmet on. I had to resist that urge, plus, I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable. My goal with this initial interaction was not to create any more tension. The vibration of the bike through my body and hers made it difficult for me to feel any physical tension from her. The bike made a sudden turn while I was lost in my thoughts. I again, tightened my arms across her waist letting my fingers trace the way. The bike stopped and the roar of the engine stopped. I felt hands move onto mine as the stillness set in and with a gentle squeeze from those hands on mine I came back to reality.

"Shizuru. Are you okay?" I heard Natsuki say in an odd tone. I dismounted from the bike and Natsuki followed. As I motioned to remove my helmet I felt Natsuki's hands land on mine just as my hands touched the helmet. My eyes looked to hers through the visor. I felt as if she was looking into mine, but I knew that the visor was hard enough to see through especially at night. The helmet lifted from me. Natsuki's hands did not leave mine.

"Sorry, you didn't respond. I just..." Natsuki face went red as she spoke. "Shizuru, your face is red? Did you get enough oxygen under my helm?"

"Yes, err no, but I'm sure that I'm fine," I said looking to my flat. "Okay the flat is the one numbered 1219."

"Really?" Natsuki said in a bland tone.

I unlocked the door showing Natsuki the large living space. The last time I showed my loft was to Tsubasa when we met about week ago. The kitchen was a part of the living space, but at the far end of the room opposite to the doorway into the flat. Natsuki seemed to take notice of the different style of couches I had in the flat. I enjoyed the variety. One couch was an antique red leather that was buttoned into the frame with cushion. The other couch was more of lounge-like to invite more sitting room or to just lay on. I had a long antique coffee table in between the two couches. I walked over to the bedroom area that was separated by the bathroom. I showed Natsuki it had a bath and shower. I could tell she wasn't too excited about the bath. Finally, I showed her the room she could stay in. The room was equal size to mine and I had placed a bed in there, but nothing else. My idea was this could be a guest room. I never really wanted to use it though just the closet. I walked into the rooming going to the closet grabbing a box I had left in there. The box had no labeling outside of saying "Handle with Care", but I knew what was in there. I had placed the small keepsakes from the Festivals Natsuki and I had gone to before the Carnival.

"This will be your room if you are willing to stay and keep our deal," I said and brushed passed Natsuki with the box. I could not know what she was thinking. I had never seen the expression she had before. The expression was enthralling, bewitching, and so distant.

* * *

_**Natsuki**_

The emptiness of the room that was only occupied with a bed mirrored the feeling in my chest. Shizuru's living space was extravagant, just as I had expected but it felt like the apartment was missing something. Although, I didn't feel comfortable with the situation at all, it was much better than sharing a small dorm room with a guy. At least I had my own room here and if I wanted to be alone I could just lock the door.

"So?" Shizuru said, tapping with her index finger against her chin.

"I'll take it." I couldn't help, but sound distant. The bottled-up agitation just sloshed out whenever I opened my mouth. "Do you mind if I buy some furniture though?"

"Natsuki can do whatever she likes. This is your home too now."

The word home sounded strange to my ears as I have never really referred to any place like that. It was either Fuuka or my apartment, but never home. I wonder if this will change someday.

"So where's your room?"

"Just across the bathroom. It's similar to yours, only with a bit more furniture."

"Mind if I take a look?"

"Go ahead."

Entering Shizuru's bedroom felt like entering another universe. The whole atmosphere seemed different from the rest of the flat. It was as if this was the only room where you could actually feel the life. Bright curtains in front of a window and beige walls framed a big dark wooden bed. A closet and a small commode with a mirror stood opposite to it. The thing I instantly noticed was that this was the only room that had actual pictures in it. A few were standing on the nightstand but the large majority was pinned above her bed. I subconsciously walked over to her bed and sat down to take a closer look at them. Only then, I realized what perfect teasing opportunity I gave her with this. I prepared myself for an oncoming attack but to my surprise she remained quiet. I looked over to the door and saw her staring at her feet. Her bangs hid her eyes and made it impossible to read her expression. I turned back to the wall and pictures on her nightstand. I knew almost all of them. A few showed Mai, Yukino, Haruka and some other girls from Fuuka Academy. On some others was that Tsubasa-guy posing and smiling into the camera but on the vast majority my own face was looking back at me. Especially the pictures on the nightstand were without exception photographs of Shizuru and me. One picture I didn't know. It was in a white frame and drew me in completely. I grabbed it to take a closer look. It showed Shizuru and me standing on the rail of the cliff in Fuuka where I had lost my mother; where I had somehow lost my life too. My hair wafted in the ocean breeze and my gaze drifted off into the distance. Shizuru stood slightly behind me with my helmet in under her arm. She tugged a strand behind her ear and looked over to me with her dazzling red eyes. We had been on the cliff with Mai and Tate on that day and Mai had brought a camera. She must have taken the photo from afar since I wasn't aware that somebody was watching us or even photographing us. But the longer I looked at it, the more I was glad that the moment had been captured.

It was an odd mixture of pain and relief to discover that she hadn't erased me from her life. Maybe this apartment had a chance of becoming the place that I could call home.


	5. The Spinning Fan

**A/N damn unique:** It took forever... we know. Apparently, Kara has a life besides writing - that lucky girl. I don't :) doesn't help the fact that I we're in this together and so the update take as long as they take. BUT this chapter is longer. See, Kara is trying to make it up to you guys.

* * *

**Chapter 5 - The Spinning Fan**

**_Natsuki_**

Living with Shizuru was only half as bad as I had thought. Most of the time, I didn't even notice I had a roommate. Shizuru had mastered the arts of privacy and silence, which was a very welcomed change when thinking back on my times with Mai. The apartment was comfy and I didn't even miss Fuuka. If anything, it was as if the feeling of missing something had been worse while still had lived in Fuuka. The weird guy, my almost roommate didn't show up and I was rather glad about it. I couldn't stand the princess stuff to begin with. The first night, I dreamt about the day on the cliff that was captured in the photograph on Shizuru's nightstand. It was an odd dream. Mai and Tate hadn't been in the dream and Shizuru was the one driving my motorcycle, though it fit her very well. Especially that tight leather-suit… Anyhow. I never was in Shizuru's bedroom again since the room show. The only places we had met had been in the living room or the kitchen. Except for the one night three days ago. I was on my way to the bathroom, absorbed in worries and uncertainties about the upcoming Freshmen-Meet &amp; Greet-Cocktail-Night – how often can you meet and greet the same people in one week anyways – I hadn't seen Shizuru the whole afternoon and assumed that she was still on campus. Usually, I knock at least twice before entering the bathroom, but not this time. And luck always being on my side, I was greeted with a not so empty bathroom. I don't think Shizuru even noticed my presence, but damn did I notice hers! The window, the tiles and the mirror where steamed. It felt as if I was running into an invisible wall of thick air. I looked around a bit irritated until my eyes were glued to the left corner of the room. Shizuru was lying stretched out in the bathtub; eyes closed and hair damp. The milky hue of her skin shone through water and the foam. Her cheeks were flushed from the heat and little sweat pearls run down her neck and chest until they found their way back into the water. I stood there with my jaw dropped for much longer than necessary, but god, she was beautiful. Only after I mentally punched myself out of that rigidity, I was able to step back in the cool corridor and close the door silently. The image of Shizuru in the bathtub lingered throughout the whole night though... And the amount of cocktails didn't help either. I needed all of my willpower to stay away from her bedroom door as the alcohol plunged me into an emotional hole that night. On the way home from the freshmen gathering I was determined to talk to her and tell her how much she had hurt me by leaving Fuuka and about how much I had missed her, but when I stood in front of her door all my bravery vanished in the quietness of the night.

After that, I decided to be more careful, even when I had the feeling I was being way too distant. Thinking back on the Carnival, Shizuru and I were so close and now it felt as if we were mere roommates. I didn't like my behavior myself but I also didn't know how to change it. Luckily, last night gave me the chance to show that I'm still someone she could count on. I was woken up by a scream. At first I didn't know if I had a nightmare, but I soon realized that noises came from Shizuru's bedroom. I pressed my ear against the door and soon heard some muffled screams. I stormed in without thinking or knocking and found her asleep in her bed. I figured she must have had a nightmare and I decided to end it for her by sitting down on the edge of her bed and waking her up. She told me she dreamt about falling but somehow I didn't buy it. Her eyes looked terrified and I had the feeling she was needed something to hold on. I reached out and grabbed her hand and she smiled one of her genuine smiles. I remained at her side like that until she fell asleep again.

* * *

**_Shizuru_**

Some nights had passed since I asked Natsuki to move in. Trepidation seemed to resonate in the flat during the first week of Natsuki's arrival. My normal routine needed change. I was in my bathtub one evening not thinking about the notion that I had a roommate and the roommate was Natsuki. The steam had settled and the water stilled as I lay motionless. I closed my eyes as I felt the water move against me as I slowly moved to submerge the rest of myself under the hot water. I had heard a sound of a door shutting, but I thought it was my neighbors. I stayed under the water until I noticed another sound hit closer. I came up from the water only to see Natsuki standing in the door way. Her green eyes were not fixed on mine. She did not say a word, but slowly turned to her room. After the bathtub incident the days swam by at a rate I could not believe. One night during the first week, I was plunged into a terrifying nightmare. I heard a deep evil laugh. The voice was a woman's voice and I could see the faces of people. The fear made me feel powerful, and then I felt my mind split as I felt my arms move. I was holding my element from the Carnival. I was killing people. I was reliving my sins. I began screaming in my head to make myself stop, but no matter how hard I screamed I kept on swinging my naginata. A door appeared in my dream as I screamed, and it opened. I was suddenly woken by my emerald eyed goddess. I did not know what to say to Natsuki. I did not want to tell her that I had actually murdered people during my psychotic break as a HiME. I told her I was falling in my nightmare. Natsuki sat on my bed by me and looked down at the ground before reaching out to grab my hand. She had reassured me that she wouldn't let me fall, and with that she was gone from my room.

The next few days after my class load began, I found myself sitting in a laboratory with a graduate student telling us that the class would not being a walk in the park. I smiled to myself as I looked over the syllabus when I heard the door to the lab open. The class was already fifteen minutes into the so called lecture. I did a quick look to the other lab tables noting that they had been filled with groups of four people or two. I was happy being a soloist in a lab based class. However, I felt that was to change as I saw my beautiful raven-haired roommate arguing with the graduate student.

"I paid for this class, and you will let me in this classroom..." I heard the growl in her voice. The graduate student did not seem too worried.

"Natsuki..." I said and stood up. She quickly looked around and her eyes met mine. The graduate student looked at me too. He smiled.

"Fujino, right?" He said smoothly, and I noticed Natsuki's hand clench.

"My roommate was given bad instructions on the class time." I playfully said as the graduate student looked me over. "It's my fault sempai."

"Fine." His smile came back, and he looked at Natsuki. "Go sit with your friend... Kuga. Fujino, will you see me after the lecture?"

I walked Natsuki over to my lab table. I was not expecting her to be in a sophomore level biology class, but I never paid much attention to her academic abilities in Fuuka. She didn't say a word to me as we listened to the graduate student officially start talking.

"My name is Logan Taku, and luckily for you Ms. Kuga, I had not yet begun the lecture. This is biology 201 which will encompass an initial review of previous biology materials to guarantee we're all on the same page. The goal of this course is to teach you the fundamentals about genetics and the importance the field of genetics has for the medical community." He shot a smile at me once again, making Natsuki grumble.

"Damn smiling jerk," Natsuki muttered.

"Natsuki...," I chided.

"Ms. Fujino, please come to the front of the class for a moment." I looked to Mr. Taku as he motioned me to come up to the front. He grinned as I stood by him. "Okay everyone, biology 201 is a course about genetics. We will be learning the fundamentals, but it is through genetics we can learn how genetic phenotypes like eye color come about. Ms. Fujino if you let me look at your eyes I could tell you how you got your shade." I turned to look him in his eyes as a part of this farce of a science experiment. His cockiness seemed to fade as his dark brown eyes widened.

"Well, I don't seem to have an answer for you Ms. Fujino. Your eyes are quite extraordinary too." Logan said suddenly. I grinned to myself as I excused myself from the front of the class. I slowly walked back to my lab table noticing Natsuki's eyes were glued to Logan Taku. I felt a wave of heat rush through my body as I realized the glare on her face resembled jealousy. I wonder if Mai ever experienced a jealous Natsuki. I was so tempted to tease her about it, but this wasn't the appropriate setting. We still are adjusting to living with each other. Once I arrived at my seat, Natsuki's intense glare at Taku had subsided. She glanced at me for a split second. The class only lingered on for about twenty minutes with the organization of our lab materials that were present within each lab table. The table had assigned draws for each class period that attended this course during the term. Natsuki took it upon herself to check off the list of materials we had present. The materials on the list were limited as we did not require much glassware. Natsuki still handle each piece with absolute care. She looked at them as if she were preparing herself for an experiment.

The students were all leaving as I finally finished putting up all my papers into my bags. I looked towards the exit seeing Natsuki leaning against the doorway. She pulled a stray strand of hair behind her right ear. I slowly pulled my school bag over my shoulder when I heard footsteps approach me.

"Ms. Fujino, I'm glad you stayed." I heard a male voice, realizing it was the graduate student Logan Taku. My red eyes met his brown ones making him smile. "I let the class go early so I could have some time to talk to you."

"Ara, that's kind of you Taku-sempai," I said as politely and plainly as I could. Logan did not seem to get the hint. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Well, you're a sophomore and I wanted to ask if you needed any one on one tutoring from me. You could come by my office. I have one. I'm after all working on my PhD," He boasted. I felt the distance between us get smaller.

"I am very flattered by the offer, Taku-sempai, but I have so much to do at the moment." I glanced over my shoulder and found Natsuki still at the doorway with her head turned towards us. Her hair shrouded her eyes. My attention was suddenly brought back to Logan Taku as I felt a hand land on my shoulder. His grip was not hard, but unwelcomed.

"You let me know, Ms. Fujino. My contact information is on the syllabus." As he finished that statement I felt his hand slide down my arm. I kept my facial expression still. I did not want to give him any power over by reaction. Again, my attention was taken away by another physical gesture as a hand slipped into mine. My eyes widen as emerald eyes only looked into mine.

* * *

**_Natsuki_**

I could feel my palm getting sweaty as soon as I entwined my fingers with Shizuru's. The urge to pull away grew just as rapidly as my heart rate. Not because it felt wrong, but because I didn't want her to think I'm nervous or anything. I didn't plan on doing something bold like that. I simply acted on instinct. The moment she looked at me I could see that she wanted me to come to her aid. I hadn't forgotten how to read her true emotions through her eyes. Even if she was politely telling that joke of a teacher to fuck off, I knew that the idiot wouldn't get it. Men were just that dumb, especially when it came to beautiful girls like Shizuru. If I had known that university was the same as high school where she always had a bunch of drooling perverts on her heels I would have acted differently throughout the whole had been busy with classes the whole week while I attended 'Welcome Breakfasts and Seminars' for freshmen, which was totally not my thing. I enjoyed the food part of the events, but couldn't stand the desperate vibes for socialization. Bonding just wasn't my thing. I was glad when the week was over and the real classes had started. In fact, I was super eager to get to know as much as I could about genetics. I couldn't figure out the schedule completely, but decided that I could count on my brains. Why shouldn't I try and see if I can't do workload of a sophomore class. I figured after a week of theoretical boredom, it was about time to get to my first lab class. If I had known that it was led by such a jerk, I wouldn't have signed up and would've reckoned for Shizuru to do the same. But now the damage was done. We were in the jerk's lab class who had the hots for Shizuru. But just because I couldn't blame him for his taste in women, it didn't mean I couldn't hate him with all my guts. I was glad that I was at least able to rescue Shizuru from this unpleasant situation after class.

"Ara, where is Natsuki taking me?"

The question caught me somewhat off-guard as I was still thinking of a way to wipe my sweaty palm. But after regaining the ability of using my vocal chords I started stuttering, "Me? Yeah, I needed to… I had a question…" I bit my lip. "Hungry," I muttered and let go of her hand, quickly burying my hands in my pockets in embarrassment.

"Sounds good. I'm starving too."

"Really?" She looks at me with puzzled eyes "Err, I mean I just can't imagine you having such a strong feeling about food."

"There are many _things_ I have strong feelings about." The way she emphasized the word 'things' made me gulps and my palms became sweaty again without feeling her skin on mine.

"Where do you wanna go then?"

"I doubt that you'd like my choice of restaurant, but today, I feel actually brave enough to taste some of your favorite. Why don't we try out the new burger shop in the city?"

"Awesome!" I exclaim. "Are you really okay with that?"

"If you treat me."

"Alright," I said still jubilant. "Deal."

"Date."

"What?"

"Nothing."

I was sure she had mumbled something, but I was too happy to care. We were going to have burger for lunch. Could this day get any better?

We picked up my motorcycle from the parking lot outside the campus and drove down the windy road to Shinsuyu. During the ride, Shizuru held on so tightly that I had troubles breathing. I slowed down a bit, which sadly gave my brain the chance to think back of the cliff dream and Shizuru's leather outfit while riding my bike. I could feel my head cooking inside the helmet and sped up again. But no matter what I did, it only made things worse. If I drove slow my mind was occupied with the images of my dream, if I sped up, Shizuru pressed herself so close against me that my brain was melting. There was just no help. That girl was in my head. One way or another.

* * *

**_Shizuru_**

The engine's sound made me once feel so much anxiety; the unique sound of this special engine that Natsuki put her safety in. It always had made my heart race for so many different reasons, yet only two came to mind. The first was the possibility that Natsuki would magically arrive at my desk in the student council's room and I longed for a chance to catch her at all times and so I waited, always, for my Natsuki. However, the other reason was the fact of Natsuki rushing off into danger. I knew that I couldn't always save her or go to the places she went because I had to hide my existence. I had to hide my powers. I should have never hidden that. I shouldn't have done a lot of things.

The engine roared jarring me from my thought. Natsuki had have been starving based off of the trip to the restaurant. The bike finally came to slow and stopped at the parking lot in front of the burger restaurant. The building reminded me of a classic 1950's American burger joint. I completely expected to walk through a time portal as Natsuki scurried to the door. I casually walked behind just taking in the view. I couldn't remember the last time Natsuki and I had enjoyed a meal together. She waited at the doorway as I got closer, and she was smiling. I couldn't help, but tease her as I approached.

"Can't contain the delight in tasting American cuisine?" I said, closing the distance between us. "Or does my hero have to look at me some more?"

"Well... I... I want to share this experience with you, Shizuru," Natsuki said to me a little hesitantly at first and finished with sweet sounding confidence.

Natsuki opened the door for me and we walked into exactly what I expected. We stepped back in time to a different time period. The booths were setup much like a scene out of the movie Grease. I was speechless as Natsuki grabbed my hand to get me to the booth. As we walked along we passed a jukebox. Its appearance was old fashioned, but as I pulled from Natsuki's hand to look at it closer I could see through the secret as I let my fingertips gently glide across the glass above the control panel. I looked through the music selection on the menu seeing that a vast majority of them were American musicians. The selection ranged from the classic music from the 50s to modern day, and they all seemed to be country music styled. I had to admit I did not know most of them, but one song seemed to stand out to me. I had actually heard this song over the summer when I was out at the Utsukushigahara Heights. The song was titled, 'Don't You Wanna Stay' by an American country music singer named Jason Aldean doing a duet with Kelly Clarkson. I really did not know what I was doing as I pressed play. I looked at Natsuki as she shook her head.

We sat down at a corner booth not too far from the jukebox. The song played in the background making me think of what I said to Natsuki before we left. Yes, a date, I completely considered this a date to myself. I could amuse myself as we waited for the waiter or waitress to arrive at our table. The place was not too crowded, and was now filled with my selection of music. The song detailed a love story of two people obviously sick with love and the incredible urge to stay with each other. I could not help but sigh as I thumbed through the menu looking at the appetizers, entrees, and desserts.

"Shizuru, what made you pick this song?" Natsuki voice sounded soft to me as I looked up to see her eyes were completely averted from mine.

"This summer I went out to this area called the Utsukushigahara Heights to just exercise, and my iPod switched over to an American radio station as I was cooling down at an observation deck. The song was really romantic," I said while looking over the menu as a familiar voice approached the table.

"Welcome Classic American Burger what can I... hello princess and Kuga-san."

I looked up seeing Tsubasa and hearing Natsuki grumble to herself. Natsuki held her menu out.

"I know what I want. A beer and a bacon cheeseburger with everything. Heavy on the mayo," Natsuki said with an odd tone.

"Princess?"

"I think I'll have the classic burger with avocado, lettuce, and tomatoes," I said shocking Natsuki. "And one beer for me too." Tsubasa smiled.

"I'll get these in for you, and when I get them to you I've got to go to my lab class." He laughed and then sighed. I watched my friend walk away only to turn my head back to no Natsuki. I kept calm as I look to the front seeing Natsuki stare at the jukebox. I wondered what must being going through her mind as she stood there. The song I had selected was towards the end or somewhere at the middle. The lyrics that sang out across the restaurant at the moment I saw Natsuki grips the jukebox hard were right at the last line of the chorus 'Don't you wanna stay?' as it broke to the bridge before it finished with the chorus one last time. I watched Natsuki grip the edges of jukebox as her knuckles went white. I felt my heart skipped. I shook the odd idea that crossed my mind for second until Natsuki's head moved, but her face was blocked by her hair. She must be starved.

Our beers arrived first, and Natsuki grabbed her without hesitation and drank it one go. I found myself feeling oddly the same way. The bustle of sound became evident as no more music played and we sat not saying anything. Our new waiter went ahead and brought us each another beer as we waited for our food. Natsuki would not look at me and I really started to worry as I nursed my second beer while Natsuki started her third. I looked towards the kitchen to see our new waiter come with the food.

"It's about fucking time..."

I glanced at Natsuki as each plate was handed out to us respectively. Natsuki gazed at her burger like it was a master piece created by one of the greats from the Renaissance. Her face seemed to glow as she held the burger to her face as it oozed that nasty mayonnaise. She took one bite and her emerald green eyes began to water with tears of happiness. I had to admit that seeing Natsuki like this was the most priceless moment I had ever shared with her. I realized she was mumble or making sounds as she gestured with her eyes at my burger and me. Natsuki was beyond adorable and she wanted to share the experience. I had not told her this would be my first time actually eating American food. The owner of this place lived in America for thirty years before returning to Japan. I knew this has been as American as it got. I held the burger in my hands. It was heavy, hot, and smelt of grease. I never understood why Natsuki loved this type of food. I closed my eyes and took a bite. The sensation of odd and unique flavors flooded my palate. I looked to Natsuki to see her finishing off her burger. She was glowing with happiness, but I also thought that could be drunkenness. She followed her last monster chewing of her burger with a wash of the remainder of her third beer.

"Oh, that really hit the spot. Thanks for reminding me about this place," Natsuki said as she brought a napkin to her face. "I think we should be going back now."

"Natsuki... why don't we walk off the food and drink?" I said, feeling a tipsy buzz rushing to my cheeks. "You drank those three beers back to back."

"You know that sounds awlful. Why don't we just get hotel room? Or we could get a cab? We could go home in a cab. We could rest and I'll come back later."

Natsuki just seemed to ramble more, but it was cute as she kept rambling happily as we left the building. My hand became a part of her grasp again. She led the way to a nice four way stop near a not so busy corner of the road. She had her other hand employed with her cellphone, calling a taxi to the corner across the way. After she put the phone away she looked at me with those beautiful eyes. I so wanted those eyes to be for me. I wanted those eyes to always love me. I could not help realizing my mind was floating on alcoholic vapor too.

"Natsuki... I don't want to sound odd, but when you hold my hand... it...makes me feel better. I feel like the old me. I feel safe with you."

Natsuki turned her head away and her grip tightened ever so slightly. I didn't think it was a reaction of disgust, but I guess I'll never know. "It was like how you saved me from that nightmare I had. I kind of wished you had stayed the whole night."

I knew I was saying too much. Natsuki had not said a word. She said noting as we got into the cab, but she never once let go of my hand.

* * *

**A/N:** More reviews for a longer chapter... deal?


	6. Veils of Liquor

**A/N damn unique:** Thanks for the reviews guys. Keep it up ;-) I hope you enjoy the chapter.

* * *

**Veils of liquor**

_**Natsuki**_

The cab driver gave us funny looks all the way home to our apartment. I knew he was repelled by the act of Shizuru and me holding hands and at that time it made me furious. I was sure it was the effect of alcohol that had made me feel this way, because thinking of it now, the old me would have been embarrassed. The thought of two girls holding hands in public was said to be sick and even though I never was one to be bothered by the opinions of other people it did scare me. Not so much the fact what people might think, but the fact what I thought myself. I was afraid of the thought of same sex attraction. No matter how political correct people react to that topic, the truth is, most are afraid because it's still not considered normal. Sitting in that cab with Shizuru like that made me realize that she had been fighting this war all her life – alone. And at that moment the disgusted look on the cab drivers face only made me hold onto her hand stronger. I wanted to proof to her and to myself that I'm not afraid of her; that I'm probably not afraid of myself. I didn't know if it was about feelings or if it was just an act rebellion, but either way her hand in mine felt unnaturally right. After the cab driver has wordlessly taken our money, we walked up the stairs to the apartment. By then, I had let go of Shizuru's hand, but I missed its warmth immediately. Shizuru was the one to open the door because I felt a bit too tipsy to do it without embarrassing myself. She hadn't been talking to me much and I was as always unable to read her full spectrum of emotions. She didn't look sad or anything, more like deep in thought and I wanted to know what she was thinking about.

"Shizuru…" I started, a bit startled about my rough voice. I sounded as if I had drunk whiskey and not beer. I coughed and then continued, "Is everything okay?"

"Sure. I had a great evening with my Natsuki. What's there not to be okay?" She didn't turn around to look at me but I could tell be the sound of her voice that something was off.

"You tell me."

She didn't answer but fumbled with a bottle of water from the fridge instead. I walked over and lay my hand on her back. It didn't have the soothing effect I had hoped for. Rather the opposite as it somehow made her lose her grip on the bottle. It fell to the floor with a deafening sound and shattered into pieces.

"Woah and I thought I was wasted," I said playfully bending down to pick up the shards.

"Don't. I'll take care of this." Shizuru shoved me away from the pile of shards. I watched her hectically collecting the shards with her socks soaked with the water. Her bangs were hiding her eyes, but her movements screamed agitation.

"Let me help you," I said and reached out for her, but she instantly slapped my hand away.

"No! I'm the one to blame for this mess, therefore it's my responsibility to clean it up!" Her voice was on the edge of desperate and I had no idea where all of this was coming from. She picked up shard by shard cautiously and soon the water was stained with drops of red liquid. I took her hand in mine and put her bleeding finger in my mouth. For the first time she looked at me. The red of her eyes perfectly matched the droplets on the grounds.

"Stop being stupid," I said looking at the small cut in her index finger. "It was me that made you drop it. So, it's perfectly fine to help you and even if you had dropped it without any reason, I'd help you take care of the aftermath." By now, I wasn't sure if we were still talking about that broken bottle anymore. "That's what friends are for, right?"

She pulled her hand away. "Right." Her voice was bitter and broken. "That's what you would do for your friends. That's what you would for Mai or Nao, or anyone who had managed to come close to you and can consider yourself a friend of yours."

"What did I do that made you so angry?"

"Nothing," she said. "And believe me this is the truth. You did nothing." She inhaled deeply and then straightened. "I'm sorry. It seems I don't take alcohol too good. I'm going to bed." She turned around and started to walk away.

"It's not fair to turn tables on me like that!" I could feel anger rising inside of me. A small spark of buried wrath that was igniting all of my insides and in that moment I wanted to scream all of the hidden words and emotions right into her face. She was the one who left. She was the one who broke off contact. It wasn't fair that she kept walking away from me like that. "I'm the one whose is angry," I said with balled fists.

"Yes. How could I have forgotten? You're always the one who's angry and I'm the one who's smiling and cheering you up. I'm sorry for having forgotten my place in your life." Her voice was monotone and distant and in the next second she had disappeared into her room. I kept staring at the wet floor and the shimmering glass shards. I had a hard time stopping myself from punching into the pile of shards, but I knew it wouldn't make anything better. How could that evening have become such a mess? Moments ago I was convinced I was the one that could help Shizuru go through the hardship of her sexual orientation and now I was sitting in the middle of our cracked friendship. Without any logical reason, I jumped up and stomped over to her room. She couldn't just say those things to me and disappear. The spark inside of me was a raging fire of hatred by now and for a second I was afraid of myself, but deep down I knew I wouldn't hurt her. It was more the overflow of feelings that I had locked away for so long. All the things I wanted to say to her face. I didn't know what she was thinking, but she was obviously thinking some very wrong things. I slammed her door open without knocking and found her sitting on her bed, looking out the window so that her back was turned to me. My loud entrance didn't seem to have startled her or she was just too damn stubborn to turn around. I wish I had gone to bed and wait for my mind to clear up. The alcohol was clearly fogging up my mind.

"It's not fair and you know it."

"Tell me," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "What is it that seems so unfair to you?"

I opened my mouth but not a sound came out. My mind was blank. To be honest, a lot of things seemed unfair. The death of my mother, my father being an ignorant asshole, having lost Duran during the carnival… but I didn't want pity. It was just the way life goes. Right now though, the most unfair thing was that my best friend and most important person in my life is too proud or scared to be herself in front of me anymore. "Please, just tell me." She gulped and I knew that she was fighting back tears even though I couldn't see her in the darkness of the room.

"I've missed you so much back in Fuuka, but when I came here, I started to feel much better. I started to feel whole again." My voice sounded foreign. I wasn't used to such broad honesty and I felt ashamed of admitting my neediness. I was glad that she wasn't looking at me.

"It's the other way around for me. Ever since you came here, I started to fall apart again." Her words rang like thunder in my ears. "I can't do it. I tried, Natsuki. I tried, but as soon as I'm near you, I have no control over my feelings. It's killing me that I cannot have you. I cannot simply be your friend. Not anymore. I love you and I'm afraid, I always will."

* * *

_**Shizuru**_

The tension in the room was more than I could stand knowing I wasn't in control of my mood. The presence of Natsuki in my room had still not moved after what I said. I was certain she would be disgusted enough to want to move away. The behavior I was seeing from her was nothing more that simple acts of childish friendship. I could see how comforting that could be for her. I was a soothing idea for her. I was nothing more than a replacement for Mai who pretty much acting as a replacement for Natsuki's mother. The thoughts in my mind just kept racing as I sat there. The alcohol really got to me. I could feel all the effort and work I had put forward to control my demonslip away. Plus, the thoughts began to compete within my mind and make my already mixed up emotions fracture further. I just sat at the edge of my bed contemplating more or less the course of this day. It dawned on me as I thought through the veil of alcohol how Natsuki behaved today. Today was different. She was angry with the graduate student teacher Logan. She stayed waiting for me after the class had let out. Natsuki ran to my aid when he laid his hand on my shoulder in that disgusting fashion. I shook my head as I felt wetness upon my face. The tears I fought so hard had started falling.

I stood up from the bed hearing a sharp intake of breath from behind me. My back stiffened as an icy chill went down my between my shoulders. Natsuki had stood there while I remained in the darkness of my room. Natsuki was invading my privacy while I wrestled with this demon she created. I came around the edge of the bed facing Natsuki. I looked at her as I tried my hardest to ice my heart. The expression of helplessness on her face made something inside me twist with pleasure, and I knew that was wrong. I should want to comfort her despite of myself. I should want to tell her that we can work on being friends, but I know I don't want to. Natsuki remained still on the opposite end of the bed.

"Natsuki, get out." I said hearing the sound my voice. My tone was breaking from the distant crazed tone to the sounds a scorned lover.

"No." My heart raced hard as my chest heaved from the amount air I needed to keep myself upright. I did not know what wave of mixed emotions would knock me down next.

"How dare you! This is my part of this apartment! This is where I come to hide myself from you damn it!" I raised my voice at her as I planted one foot forward. "You...you can't stay in here right now."

"Why?" Natsuki raised her voice back at me. "Why won't you let me stay?

"Because..." I was starting to think I had no more words left outside of the dangerous ones, and Natsuki had taken one step forward at me when she responded. I would not move against such an approach. Natsuki was doing something to me. I felt it as the veil started to move away from me. The emotional wave I was riding on violently shifted from sorrow to rage to confusion and back again.

"I know I was drunk before we took that taxi home, but you said I saved you from that nightmare." Natsuki said in even tone with such confidence. "I made you feel safe, and like your old self."

"Natsuki, that's not a good thing." I found myself lying to Natsuki without hiding it. I could not do it. The world felt as if it was falling upon me once again. I was trapped.

"Liar!" Natsuki took another step forward, and my instincts made me step back. I felt naked and unprotected against this reality.

"Natsuki, please, please get out of my room." I started to cry freely. I couldn't breath. Natsuki walked closer and stopped as I moved back some more until my back hit the wall. "I can't deal with the idea of having to tell you I love you and have it thrown back in my face again and again. You cannot be in this room anymore because I can't stand it." I looked her dead in the eyes as my tears fell. I closed the distance between us enough to where I could feel Natsuki's alcohol kissed breath against my tear-drenched skin. The darkness could not hide her emerald eyes from me any longer. I did not see any build of tears in those beautiful eyes. My body screamed at me being this close to her. I knew I had held as we were on her motorcycle, but this was different. I was not in control of all my emotions, and I needed to touch Natsuki. I closed my eyes as I went to push Natsuki against her shoulders as a sign I wanted her to leave. My hands were stopped by hers, and the way her fingers brushed between mine sliding against my skin ever so softly made my skin burn hot. It was like a force from the universe or maybe some God-like force.

"Natsuki…" I whispered and lifted my head. I knew that I wouldn't be able stop myself from kissing her if I'd stayed there any longer. I leaned in so close that her breath was the only thing left between us. I wanted to steal a kiss so badly, but I knew it wasn't right and in the end her terrified eyes were screaming louder than my senses. She didn't want this. She didn't want me. It was a flashback to that night during the Carnival. The fear dripped from her body then too.

I bend my head slightly and let my lips caress her cheek before whispering in her ear, "Forgive me, for I'm still not able to control my feelings for you." And then I pushed her aside, freeing myself from her grasp.

The heat seemed to drain from my body after I had turned my back on her, leaving me completely cold in the middle of the dark room. Though, before I was able to grasp one clear thought I felt myself being pulled backwards. It seemed fate had a firm hold on me tonight. Natsuki had made me face her again. Her eyes looked slightly angry, but the fear had left completely. I struggled again, but this time she didn't let go of my hands and instead pinned them behind my back. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't have stopped her. My world changed in an instant as her lips connected with mine. All I knew was gone, and all my reason went out the window. Only slowly, she loosened her strong hold on my wrists and pulled my arms around her body instead. I obeyed without protest, deepening the kiss as I desperately held onto her.

* * *

_**Natsuki**_

All the scenarios laid out in my head could never suffice to the unreal sensation that was rushing through my veins. My throat was burning from the alcohol as if I had been screaming the whole day. And maybe I was. Maybe I was screaming the whole time without actually making a sound. In this moment I wasn't sure about anything. The only thing I knew was that Shizuru's body against mine, that holding her, felt like the missing piece of a long forgotten puzzle. My head was spinning and I wasn't sure if it was because of the deepening kiss or because of the alcohol but either way it didn't matter. I've never felt something so soft as her lips on mine. We've shared kisses before but the only one I can remember was a short peck out of friendship. At that time I had been sure that my feelings towards Shizuru was nothing more than true and deeply routed friendship, and now, everything I believed seemed to be reversed. Had I've been lying to myself or was this a mere moment of insanity? My head was beating and my hands were sweaty, but still I couldn't stop kissing her. Her tears were warmly streaming down my cheeks and I was afraid of letting go and facing her. I wanted to be there with her tied in that moment, forever, without questions and doubts, but I knew this wasn't what we were. All we've had been until now were 'what ifs' and this kiss wouldn't change anything. I still wouldn't be what she needed. I still couldn't fill the gap in her heart. She thought so highly of me, yet I was nothing more than a selfish shadow, existing only in her light. How could I stand tall next to her when I was even afraid of facing her alone here in the darkness of the room?

When Shizuru broke the kiss I took a step back in irritation. Not only had I been the one starting it, but for her to stop it was completely turning my world upside down. I couldn't look at her. I felt too ashamed of what had just happened.

"Natsuki…" she said with the same broken voice as before. Why was she still crying? A knot formed in my throat that suffocated all of my words. "You didn't have to do this,"

I knew that I didn't have to, but I wanted to. Or at least I thought so. I just did what my body and mind demanded in that moment. I know that I shouldn't let the silence stretch. It would give Shizuru the wrong impression but I just couldn't voice anything that made sense. I rushed for door without looking at her.

"Don't… Please, don't leave like this," she pleaded, but I was too afraid to linger a moment longer. I was sick of myself; always doing what felt right to me without regarding her feelings in the slightest. She did deserve so much better and if I hadn't come here, she might have already found it. It seems I had made ruining her life my new mission after I lost the purpose of chasing the First District. The shutting of the door couldn't block out the sound of her sobs. I felt like my heart has been torn out as I dragged myself into my room and cradle up in my bed. I wish I could free my bottled emotions, but my eyes refused to let the any tears break free. Instead of crying myself to sleep I was staring into the darkness, listening to Shizuru's muffled sobs until fell into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

**Shizuru**

"Please, don't leave like this..." The words kept flowing from my lips between my sobs. I heard the door to my room slam and then another slam followed shortly after that. I didn't have any control to fight my tears as I fell to the ground. It was as if my life was draining from my legs as I felt my death crawling up and into my heart. It thrashed inside my wounded heart, ripping piece from piece as the moment grew inside my mind. What happened just then? What did I do to provoke this? How cruel could Natsuki be to me? I had to think. I had to ask myself these questions. Natsuki was dragging me down again. This time she skipped the innocent game of flirting and just when straight for physical contact. I could still feel her lips upon mine. Their sweetness and softness against mine, igniting my heart and whole body into a maelstrom of madness.

I stretched my arms out in front of me to give myself leverage to stand again. I couldn't seem to make anything happen. I felt my arms begin to shake violently as if my body had just gone through a traumatic accident. My body crashed back down against my forearms. My face was inches from the carpeted floor that was being soaked with my tears. My mouth opened to scream, but all I heard was a choking gurgle. I hit my right hand against the ground a few times to fight the pain, but it wasn't working. I balled my hand into fist and slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. I felt a wet crack give in either my hand or my wrist. I did not care. The pain that spiked through my body gave me enough adrenaline to stand and make it to my bed. I could not stop crying let alone talk. I had to find an outlet.

I grabbed my phone and found Tsubasa's name. I sent a text just saying 'Save me' and turned off the screen not expecting to hear back from him, but it lit up showing his avatar which was an imagine of him and me together.

"Shizuru, is everything okay?"

"Tsubasa, I'm a fool. I need you to switch place with that Kuga girl."

"What happened? I thought you guys were friends?"

"I can't talk about it. I'll start crying again."

"Did she molest you? I thought she wasn't lesbian."

"It's complicated."

"You don't say. I want to talk to her."

"Please, don't."

"I want to defend you! It's my right. I'm your friend."

"I can't deal with this blowing up again. At least I don't have death as an out option this time."

"Shizuru! I'll get over there now. Even if I have to run."

"I'm sorry. I swear I'm not suicidal. I don't want to go any classes tomorrow. Can I just go to your dorm, and hide there?"

"Yes. I'll wake up really early just for you. I'll cut class too."

The morning came with a tough toll. My head ached, but not from the alcohol. My eyes felt as if I had lost a fight with a gross napkin full of mucus. I went into my personal bathroom and saw what a night of crying did to my face. My skin was puffy, blotchy, and placid. It did not matter how much I washed my face. I knew I could wash away all the puffiness and blotchiness, but what I'm trying to wash away was my memories from last night. I walked over to my desk hutch and grabbed a piece of paper to leave a note for Natsuki. I knew in my gut Tsubasa hadn't said he'd move in, but I did not want Natsuki in my home. My body felt alien to me when I thought about her.

* * *

**Natsuki**

When I woke up with my head full of pain and my heard full of regret, it didn't take me long to remember every second of last night's events. Never could I be drunk enough to forget such a kiss. I knew I couldn't hide myself forever in here, but I could at least try a bit longer. I pulled the blanket back over my head and hugged my pillow tightly.

The sound of the front door clicking shut made me rush into a sitting position. I was probably super late for my classes, but right now I didn't care. After all, I was used to ditching. I slipped into a pair of jeans and a black shirt and slowly opened the door. The apartment lay in complete silence. Shizuru was gone. I could feel it and a huge weight was lifted off of me. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. The caffeine didn't help my hang over the slightest, but it felt good to have the bitter taste on my tongue replaced by something different. My thoughts were circling around the kiss ever since I woke up. It felt as if the shadow of her lips was still palpable on mine. I have no words that could describe how I must have made her feel, heck I don't even have words for how I feel. It seems I still don't have any answer but a hell of a lot more questions. It's obvious that Shizuru and I need to talk about all of this. I can't just act as if nothing had happened. She needs to know that I did this because I wanted it. But then, did I want this again or was it just a mad alcoholic act. Am I attracted to woman? I'm definitely felt drawn to Shizuru, and Shizuru is a woman. Does that mean I'm really what Nao had always claimed to mock me? The thought had always terrified me so much that I had never made any room for things like love in my life. Luckily, I had other things to fill that gap, but nothing much of that is left and it seems my heart seems to claim all of that space. Maybe if I find the right words, I could tell Shizuru about my insecurities. I'm sure she'll understand.

I grabbed my helmet, unsure if I'm already sober enough to drive and headed for the door. A note was pinned on it. I picked it up and even though I read it multiple times, I wasn't able to comprehend its words:

'I can't do this anymore. I've asked Tsubasa to switch places with you, so you don't have to worry about sharing your room with him. Don't beat yourself up about last night. We can still pretend nothing happened. Like always. Shizuru'


End file.
